I Never Said Yes
I thought he was pretty interesting. He was a rapper, which I wasn't particularly fond of, but whatever, everyone has a dream. College had a lot of rappers. I can't really remember when or where we started talking, or even why I was attracted to him. It was a mixture of my loneliness and desperation. Anyway, he seemed nice, not pushy at all. We laughed a lot. We had a lot of in-depth conversations. He was really cool and easy to talk to. Several weeks had past and things were peachy. I wasn't quite ready to tell anyone I liked him yet. I was borderline afraid. Whenever I told anyone I liked someone things went terribly wrong. We messed around. It was weird. So we didn't go down that road again, but he was cool about it.
We still hung out, nothing changed. I thought we'd really go somewhere. He asked me to come check out one of his songs one day. It was in the middle of the day, like actual daylight. Which was interesting because we only saw each other at night. I didn't see anything wrong with at the time. I had class until 9PM that semester anyway. I went to his room, spoke to his roommate, and then his roommate went off to class. I couldn't stay long, I had a class coming up too. I sat down and he pressed play on his computer. I listened. Standard rap stuff. He liked to cuddle. So we cuddled. His hands traveled to the button on my jeans. I moved his hands and said no, I have class. So he then tries to kiss my neck. I hate that. I hate hickies. I told him to stop. Then I sat up and he pulled me back down and started kissing me. I tried to push him but I couldn't. His tongue was suffocating me, I couldn't breath or continue to say no. I thrashed and wiggled around but I couldn't. I was so confused because I was sure I weighed about the same as him. He wasn't that heavy! Where was this pressure coming from?!
My jeans were only pulled down a bit, just enough for him to slide his way in. His dreads swallowed my face. I couldn't see and his weight was making it hard for me to let any words escape my mouth. He got up to grab a condom. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. Shock? Fear of what would happen if I tried to move? How far would I really get? I'd have to walk past him.
I laid there. Motionless. He came back. I just laid there. Tears rushing from my eyes. From pain and discomfort. He finished. He walked to the bathroom. I sat up. Wiped my eyes and my runny nose. I grabbed my bag and started walking. I don't remember where I was trying to go. I never went to class. All I remember is crying in my best friends arms several footsteps later.
I never said yes.
From 2012-14, students at college campuses in North Carolina’s reported nearly 475 forced sexual assaults. Both men and women.
For a long time, it has been hard for me to share this event. Not because I was afraid or scared to tell anyone. Nah. I just couldn't believe it happened. After I finally accepted that it did happen, I refused to let myself be labeled a victim. I was not going to let that incident consume how I lived my life. I still dated. I still loved and lost. I still spoke to him in passing. (We never hung out again after that day by the way.)
When something like this happens to you, sometimes you have no idea where to even start. You don't just walk into a room and shout, "Hey, has anyone else here been sexaully assalted?" -- Someone may call the police on you.
So how do you recover?
Counselor? Therapist? Support Group?
I can't and I won't scream at you to go talk to someone. I will, however, encourage you to speak with someone, especially if it is something you repeatedly battle with, and gets in the way of you building relationships with other people.
It took me a while to come to terms with it as well. Everyone who has every had to deal with assault, has to cope with the aftermath in their own terms. It's hard to recollect. It's hard to admit. And it's hard to heal.
But I do want you to know, that you are not a victim. You are a Survivor.
Adopt a Survivor's Mindset today.
You deserve love that is patience and consensual.
-ab