Family Tides
I hate Hurricane season.
Hurricane season is probably the scariest part if the year. It’s unpredictable. I don't like unpredictable. I don't like not knowing.
Back in my middle school, early high school years, there was a hurricane that hit my small little hometown. (Don't ask me which one.)
It rained so hard. Our den suffered a little flooding. It wasn't as bad as the rest of the town. The whole town lost power. We lost power. We lost a lot that day. We all sat in the living room. I don't think my family had sat in the same room together for a long time. The air was really stiff, everyone was so tense. It was like we were all afraid to be together. We struggled to make small talk with each other. It was pitiful.
It was then that I realized more than ever that I have no idea what the word family meant. I knew I had a mother and the father, and a sister and a brother who I loved with every bit of my heart, but we had no idea how to be a family. I could interact with everyone just fine, but once we were all together, we had no idea how to interact with one another. I knew the different elements that made up a family, and I knew what role each individual played. The father, the provider and the protector. The mother, the caregiver and the supporter. The younger siblings, the innocence and the weak. And then there was the oldest child. My theory is the oldest child plays all the roles of each character in the family. The oldest child provides and protects, supports and cares, even though they are innocent and weak. Even though the oldest child is the first, they are a family's last leg of hope. That was my role. I am the oldest child. I am the glue. I am directly in the middle, with parents who are older than me and siblings who are younger than me. I am the core.
As the storm went on outside, I felt as though my house was in the direct center of the storm. If you did not know, the eye of the storm is the calmest. The stillness of it all made me wish we had a little bit of wind gust for commotion.
Although our home didn't suffer much flooding, our family dynamic did. Uncertainty floated to the surface of everyone's subconsciousness that day.
Present day, I still struggle to adopt an affectionate and encouraging family dynamic. My parents are divorced and I feel disconnected from my younger siblings, but I won't stop praying for our recovery. Even though there are times when I wish we were all closer, I know we are all working on it.
Healing takes time.