Little Miss A
Little Miss A.
I was born in New Jersey. At an early age, I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I loved the stage. I was in my first play at age 5. I was “Little Miss A”, the beginning of the Alphabet Play I was in. I remember my one little line. I performed that line with all my little heart.
“ I am Little Miss A – AH-CHOO!”
I also knew I didn’t like anything girly. I protested against dresses, dolls, and ponytails. I lived to get injured, and I could never relate to the other girls around me.
My imagination was always vivid. I always dreamed.
As I got older, I become more and more uncomfortable trying to be a person who I thought everyone wanted me to be. I made myself uncomfortable in skirts, makeup, and heels. I even got a boyfriend I didn’t want. I only got one to ease the sexuality concerns my parents had. And to be fair, he didn’t want to date me either. Every time I found myself with a boyfriend, it pushed my further into being uncomfortable. I let them tell me how unworthy I was. What was wrong with me. What I could do better. And I tried to adapt to those things. Making me more uncomfortable. I was hurt. And not myself.
Even in my transition through my school years, I still found my outlets in participating in plays, singing, and writing. I would always write. I would write plays, songs, all types of stories and poems.
The tail end of my high school years, I completely put my creativity to rest when I was told that there was no future in the things that gave me purpose and joy.
I went to college and further began to force myself into a mold that clearly wasn’t for me.
The years that followed were filled with me being emotionally dishonest with myself and avoiding who I was.
It’s May 3, 2019 and May is Mental Health Awareness Month.
So it’s only right that I asses where I am. I’ll be 28 in a couple of weeks. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I’m overwhelmed because after years of not being myself, and conforming, I’ve finally found “Little Miss A” again.
I’m relearning who I am and unlearning who I was.
I am an artist. An Artist with several outlets. I don’t really like looking like a girl. I can if I want to though. I’ll flaunt when I want. I’m confident. I’m a lover. And I have a lot of love to give. To everyone. Freedom to be is important to be. Creativity is important to me. Commitment is difficult for me. Confirming is difficult for me. I love to be around people. I’ll fight if I have to. I like to listen to the wind. A slight breeze is a blessing to me. I am the sum of many things. I am learning to love all of me. My thoughts, my spirit. Every piece.
A lot of people question purpose and why things happen to them. They wonder what if, how come, and why. I think all of our purposes are clear. We let demons cloud our vision. We let conformity control us. Timelines make us impatient. Our parents’ mistakes terrify us into immobilization.
We lose sight of who we are supposed to be, rehearsing a false version of ourselves to the world.
You have everything you need to be who you know you already are. Every day dream. Nightly dream. Every time your mind wanders. Every instant of Déjà vu. All these instances are reminders of who you are destined to be.
You were not born to live physically only. You are meant to live spiritually as well.
Live More. Love More. Care More. Smile More.
We need your light.
Love,
Little Miss A.
