My friend told me that I need to make a decision. Everything around me has been telling me to make a decision.  She told me that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. 

Do I want the cake and  want to eat it? Do I even want the cake at all?

What the hell do I want?

I put on my vision board that this year I was going to take a giant leap.

But I wasn’t specific.

I didn’t know if it was going to be in my relationship, my creative career, my place in this world.

I didn’t know what I was leaping from, or where I was leaping to, or why I was afraid to even leap.

I never want to cause hurt to anyone.

But I did.

I saw that this past weekend.

I saw hurt on someone, I caused the hurt.

Was that my leap? To hurt someone who cared so much about me? Who has been silently cheering for me this whole time? What if their cheers were louder? Would that change the way I felt?

No one has ever cared enough about me to let tears fall. Never.

Was I willing to let all of that go?

All I wanted to do was die. I wanted to give up control. I lost all my confidence. Everything became cloudy. I had no idea how to deal with the emotion of caring more about myself that someone else.

We fall in love for multiple reasons, and sometimes with multiple people in our lifetimes. But who’s the perfect love for you?

 

Is it the person that makes you feel comfortable?

Is it the person that makes you feel appreciated?

Is it the person that makes you feel safe?

Is it the person that is familiar?

Is it the person who spends time with you?

Is it the person that makes you feel wanted? Needed?

Is it the person that makes you laugh?

Is it the person that pushes you to be better?

 

What if different people provide different things for you? What do you do then? Are you able to love more than one person for reasons that help you on different platforms?

We are complex. Yet we try to simplify love. We try to simplify our lives. Simplify our daily process. Simplify the way we connect to our spirituality.

We are not simple. We are complex. Not complicated, but complex. The way we love is complex. The way we feel is complex. The way we live is complex. If it was simple, we would all have no problems. We would never learn. We would never grow. Everyone would be the same.

I’m discovering my complexities right now. That is the space that I am in.

My love is complex. The way I love and who I love is complex.

I’m trying to figure out how to spread love without falling in love.

My spirituality is complex. There are channels and avenues that I am discovering that lead to new places of faith.

I am complex. But I’m not complicated. I’m not distorted. Neither are you.

I’m constantly growing. And feeling. And evolving. And discovering. And so are you.

-A.