Danger presents itself in any part of the world, but recently, Mexico has been receiving a lot of heat. Cases like Shanquella Robinson’s ( murder (because let’s call it what it is), the South Carolinians who were kidnapped and killed, and the 23-year-old Mexican police found in a laundry room at a resort south of Cancun, have put many travelers on high alert.

Before the traumatic Covid-19 breakout shook the world, I traveled to Tulum, Mexico, for my 30th birthday.

My birthday vacation kicked off with a Spa date and dinner on the beach. My wife and I got a massage and then rubbed down with CHOCOLATE! Because I am a child, I licked my arm, and it was pure cocoa. That shit was so bitter, my face folded in. After the chocolate rub down, we took a shower and then soaked in a bath of flowers and oils. 10/10 would recommend it. Baby, I need flowers and oil bathes on the regular.

Now I don’t know if it was the cocoa or the lemongrass essential oils hack I found online, but the whole time we were there, we did not get one mosquito bite.

When I travel, call me Dora. I love to learn about architecture, heritage, food, and wildlife. I want to see everything I can. 

To scratch that Dora the Explorer itch, I did a few adventurous things from the “travel excursion starter pack.” Y’all know the starter pack I’m talking about. The ATVs, Zip-lining, all the stuff you can do here.

For whatever reason, I like to do water-based activities even though I can’t swim. We explored some Cenotes, and I had to get on my wife’s back when my feet couldn’t touch the ground anymore. The more I was in the Cenote, the more I was ready to get back above ground. It was dark, and I could tell people used Centoes as restrooms.  We learned a lot from the tour guide, and I can appreciate the history, but that excursion was not for me, and that’s okay. I am not knocking those who enjoy it; I am saying it was not for me (I know how you girls like to tussle and cancel people.)

One of the highlights of my trip to Mexico was the day my wife and I spent in the town. We were going to ride bikes through the city, but b*tch it was hot af and we changed our minds quickly. We rode for about 5 minutes before we called a cab to pick up us and the bikes. The cab driver told us they could only take us back one at a time, but my wife had other plans. She crammed both of those bikes into the back of that van and kept it moving. When we dropped the bikes off, we rented a moped and traveled through the nearby town, and it was the cutest thing ever.

We first pulled up to a breakfast spot, and the food was BUSSIN’ (See urban dictionary). No one in the restaurant spoke English, which is the experience I came for. Culturally necessary music was playing, and one fan pushed warm air around the room. 

We visited a few shops before going to a bar to have a couple of drinks. If it was on your mind, yes, the local Tequila there is the best: no uncomfortable bite, no hangover. We left the bar and went to a few more shops to get our friends the standard shot glass souvenir.

There were so many areas deemed dangerous by tourism guides that it was nearly impossible to do anything outside of the group activities and our short day on the town.

One of the lowlights of my trip was the “luxury” experience that social media projects.

It’s not luxury. It’s just overpriced. 

We basically went to the club, but it was on the beach. The beach that we had limited access to.  I don’t know why y’all like that shit. It didn’t provide me with anything I couldn’t get here in the States. They were serving Patrón. YOU CAN GET Patrón HERE! I do not want Patrón in Mexico. Unless it’s exclusive to the area (y’all know, like Coca-cola does sodas), it’s not an experience.

To add some parsley on it, when we pulled up — they were blasting Drake. I was immediately turned off. There were a lot of U.S. Hits playing, which I know artist music travels, but I would have loved to hear some Bo Bundy or La Santa Grifa. Hell, I would have taken Baby Bash. My wife also saw someone she knew.

You do not go out of the country to see someone you know. 

We also had a crazy ass driver one night who was literally driving like we were on the set of MAD MAX. He was driving in a way that is probably normal, but is was terrifying for me.

I know all of Mexico is not bad, but Tulum is ehh.

So there I was. In Mexico. Listening to Drake. With a regular ass bottle of Clause Azul Tequila, which is nasty by the way. Greeting someone my wife knew, with a wild-ass Uber Driver. 

All of these things could have been done in Atlanta.

xoxo Coach