Self realization will come in and hit you with a sincere blow to the chest.

For me, my fear of expressing myself was crippling. I know that. I am working on it. I am trying.

It’s never been easy for me to express myself. I mentioned in a previous post, that sometimes I would not speak up out of fear of someone leaving me because they did not agree or understand. Now, it feels very strange for me to have people in my life who have been firm in their commitment to not leave my side.

Even though I feel, all the time….it’s still very hard for me to articulate what I am feeling.

Why do some of us fear telling our friends and family when we’re sad? Do we think it’s because we don’t want to feel like a burden?

That was my default response, I don’t want to feel like a burden. After some reflection I found that it wasn’t the burden I feared sharing, it was something else. I feared becoming too close to someone. I feared them knowing too much about me. I feared them potentially using it to judge me.

To say I have abandonment issues would only be the tip of the iceberg. For me it’s much deeper.

I realized I had connection issues.

My ability to mask my connection to someone is something that caught me by surprise.

We long for connection with friends and family. Our lovers. We want to feel connected. For me… I just wanted someone there. The connections were unimportant to me. Knowing I had friends. Knowing I had family. Knowing I had a significant other. Just knowing they were there was all that mattered to me. The connectivity did not come as a priority.

I’ve been working on fostering real connections, and not masked ones.

The low priority connection gave birth to why it was easy for me to navigate through a social life, but not an interpersonal life. That’s why it was so easy for me not get to close, for people to cheat, for people to literally “play” me. I didn’t feel offended or hurt. I would just take things for what it is.

However, now that I am taking connection more seriously, things actually hurt. Like my feelings and shit.

I hate it here.

“Ashley what does all this mean? It sounds like you’re contradicting yourself, you’re afraid people will leave if you express yourself, but you also don’t allow yourself to even get close.”

Glad you bought that up. Here is what some self-assessing taught me:

It’s not that I’m afraid to open up and get close to someone.

It’s that I won’t allow myself to get close to people to avoid expressing myself.

If I don’t express myself, then I won’t need them and I will not be as hurt if they leave.

But now there are people in my life who I don’t want to leave. And I admit it’s scary, but connection is a necessary part of a relationship.

I know, connection, who knew —not me.

(Joking)

I know it’s important. It’s just unknown territory for me.

I will admit that it feels really nice to have people that won’t leave my side. It feels even better to know that I am emotional honest with them and won’t leave them either.

So. Since my arrival at this conclusion, I have been doing my best to not run from people who care.

As a matter of fact, I’m working to stand firm in the way I feel and how I share those feelings with others. I’m still a little distant, but I’m trying okay.

Geez. :-)

Love.