August 29, 2022 at 0908

I’ve got the most intense feelings of anxiety this morning and it directly linked to me logging on to work. I haven’t felt like this on over 8 years and there’s nothing I can do as my job hunt has so far yielded no results.

I’m headed into my third year at Amazon and I still have hopes for the Amazon experience and development promises that brought me to this company. Despite my unhealthy work environment and poor developmental track, I still found a way to carve out a space for me to excel.

By creating organizing systems, templates, and mental health programs, I developed relationships and build trust across peers and other site leaders to earn my inclination for HRBP (Human Resource Business Partner).

Even with the green light and amazing reviews, an HRBP role was never offered to me.

In an effort to have some type of development, I applied for an Employee Relations role and an Accomodations role as a backup.

The Employee Relations interview went phenomenally! I received excellent feedback, but was not offered the position due to the promotion track. I was a level 4 employee and could not go to an level 6 role. I understood, but questioned why I was able to interview considering my level isn’t hidden within the network.

The interview for the Accommodations backup role went well, but I didn’t hear any feedback for a month. I reached out to the hiring manager to be met with “Oh we thought we moved you along?” I stated that I had heard nothing back and this was my second check in attempt.

I was less enthusiastic about this role, because it was lateral, and the world of disability was not one I was quick to re-enter. I was swiftly moved to the role and started off strong until I realized, I’m the unhappiest I’ve ever been in my professional life.

After consultation with my primary care physician and my Psychiatrist, it was determined that a leave of absence was necessary or I could quite possibly suffer from long term health complications related to stress.

I took a LOA (Leave of Absence).

During this time, I was able to grieve the opportunities lost and disappointment in my experience with the company. Even with this loss, I still had hope that one day, I’ll have the amazing Amazon experience and opportunity I hear and read so much about.

Until then, I remain painfully optimistic and will remain on the hunt for an opportunity that, I dont’ know, desires me back I guess.